I'll Pass on the Passive Aggressive...but Add a Side of Brave, Please.

Peep these scenarios.

You and your close friend are texting. The texts are warm and fun as usual. He says he is going out with some friends that night to celebrate a promotion that he received. You get offended that you were not invited. You immediately change your vibe and sarcastically text back "Oh. Cooooool. SO glad you have such wonderful friends to support you. Have TONS of fun. Good night." He asks what is wrong and you simply reply "Nothing. Nothing at all".

Your significant other checks out an attractive person while you two are out and about. You seethe internally. You go to complete silence for the rest of the afternoon. When they ask you questions, you are cold and short in your replies. Your significant other has no idea what the hell they did wrong.

Why can I write these scenarios so effortlessly? Wellllll...let's just say I was a former middle-weight champion of being passive aggressive (no rewards or magnificent belts for THAT achievement, believe me). It's funny; many of us believe in kindness and respect in our relationships so we would never DREAM of being downright offensively aggressive or mean to the people we love--attacking or confronting in an obtrusive way. But being PASSIVE aggressive...that is much easier and can appear to not be as harmful or destructive to a relationship...but it truly can be.

Simply put, according to Dr. Daniel K. Hall-Flavin, passive aggressive behavior is a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them. So in the above scenarios, instead of actually talking about what happened (such a novel idea!) and the feelings of jealousy, insecurity, and fear of rejection, it was easier and a pattern of behavior to default to being passive aggressive with sarcasm and the silent treatment (there are other behaviors that people use to express passive aggressiveness; these two just happened to be my specialties).

So what did it take for me to even RECOGNIZE that this was not healthy and there was another alternative? As with anything that has a profound and lasting effect, it took love. My beloved best friend of over 25 years modeled for me about what it looks like to actually express what I was really feeling and showed me how destructive to a relationship it is to continually hide behind passive aggressiveness. And maybe called me out--gently, with love--a few times when I pulled my silent treatment (oh, how I was so internally proud with how long I could just cut someone off! Middle-weight champion of the world!) or sarcasm through text. I saw how he handled situations with people and how he would purposely confront negativity and tension. That was over 12 years ago; it changed my life and I never looked back.

I am not saying it was easy. I STILL have to make a CONCERTED effort to 1. Take time to understand what I am feeling and question why a certain situation is making me feel that way and 2. Have a conversation with the person of how I am really feeling and confront my fear of what will happen when I do (side note: the fear is usually unfounded; it normally ends up being a powerful, pivotal moment for the relationship because genuine understanding occurs, which leads to a closer, stronger relationship!).

When you begin to do something that is so foreign to you (many of us were raised in homes where communication is not a top priority), it is SCARY. My stomach still hurts when I have to have a tough conversation. But I know I am making a concerted, powerful choice to be one of the main things that are required if I am going to thrive in this experience on Earth:

BRAVE.

I truly believe TRUE COMMUNICATION IS ONE OF THE BRAVEST THING WE WILL EVER DO. I just learned there are three types of bravery: physical, psychological, and moral. Bravery is not just limited to physical heroic acts (takes a special person to put your life on the line for someone else!) or moral acts (we think of the names of Mahatma Gandhi, Dr. Martin Luther King, and Malcolm X). But how underrated is the psychological warfare we wage and WIN when we confront our fears of vulnerability and confrontation and have a conversation with someone?! COME ON, BRAVERY!!!!!

Most of us grew up in homes where we didn't talk about our feelings. Many families are not equipped generationally with healthy communication skills and tools. There are expressions of anger, walking on eggshells, or the good 'ole "let's be happy and act like there is nothing wrong". But that is on a trajectory of changing.

I am determined to keep learning new skills and tools to be a healthier me in all aspects of my life (we have SO much access in this time and age!). And communication in our relationships is a big part of being a heathier human. I think our culture is so hungry for that. That's why people like Brené Brown gain such a following and get a Netflix special. Even on Instagram--yes, even amidst the photoshopped pictures and celebrations of everyone's big moments--there are so many superb pages teaching us about mental health, healthy relationships, and giving us tools to put in our toolbelt for all of these things.

It is all ready for us to partake in it...if we make the choice. On the menu of life, there are so many choices to make. I will keep choosing to pass on passive aggressive and choose a side of brave...over, and over, and over again.